8:14pm loss again

I had $6 from free cash, $5 on PayPal, I used $10 to get to $50 on HardRockBet, then I deposited $45 into McLuck and I got that to $106. Then I put $10 into HardRockBet, but lost it, so I cancled my redemption at McLuck and redeemed $75, then had $31 to play with, I lost it. McLuck encouraged me to cancel my $75, so I did, and lost it. I feel so sad.

Then moments later, my Daddy called, he wanted to talk to my brother about sending us funds for the week, so we're greatful.

Also, earlier while shopping with my 2nd youngest sister, I had my money saving game in the bag. 

I used a $15 Walmart gift card to save money, I got from it a card trading survey.

Also, I redeemed $10 from the lottery ticket I won the other day. So I used the $10 towards shopping at Publix.

Money saving in the bag, yes.

But when I got back home, I ended up losing $10 from HardRockBet, so that began a cycle of loss chasing, which sux because I also wanted to pay for my estradiol for $35 because I requested a refill today.

Gosh, I hate casinos, they make you win at first, then make you lose more than what you started with.

I'll wait a bit longer to pay for my estradiol, because I want to pay for it myself and not use my Daddy's money.

Also, my Daddy asked my eldest brother about who he voted for, he asked if he voted for that Bryvon guy (the transphobic brown guy).

My brother replied that he tried to vote as Democratic as possible.

My Daddy was like, oh, I was going to vote for...

Then my Daddy and brother talked my finances. My Daddy said something like "I'll send the money to Alan, I'll send it to him.. I'll send the $600"

My brother and I was pleased.

The $600 was sent, I then sent it over to my brother's card.

We were super thankful.

My Daddy also talked with my Brother about $200 being for my Mommy's pawned jewelry.

My Mommy and brother pawned jewelry and items to help keep us afloat when we were living in the hotel.

She passed away before we were able to get the jewelry back.

I've always felt guilty about that, her death and the fact that we struggled so much, I was supposed to help keep us afloat.

I was supposed to be a game developer and famous musician, but instead I'm in hell, and my life is just continuing to get worse.

I saw gambling as a way out of this hell, but instead it has sank me further into it, and every day I feel so su1cidal and depressed beyond comprehension.

Please call 988 if you feel similarly.


I feel so sick when I hear stories about wealth and fortune, because I know that casing a fraction of that same has lead me to be broken, has lead me to hate myself, to hate the world, to see myself as a failure and nothing ever being enough.

I've been turned even more into a psycho thanks to these horrid casinos that have promised me riches and a better life.

It sounds familiar, s3xWork websites promised me similar riches, but instead I see myself still working minimum wage part-time customer service, anyway. And I have hundreds of videos uploaded and millions of views, yet I couldn't even scrape $3000 per year in profit.

This is not The Life, this is The Anti-Life.

Thanks for reading.

8:47pm.

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