MintCoaTea

I lost $39.99 today in an attempt to chase my losses from yesterday and stuff. My losses started after I had to repay $40 something dollars at CashApp loan, so then I tried to gamble a bunch to essentially make $40 something for free, but it didn't work out for me. I took out my last $25 from my Discover card and combined it with my $20 spotme loan on Chime to buy a $39.99 pack on SpinQuest an attempt to make more money. I had an internet payment coming up. I manged to make about $70 something, but alas it wasn't enough. ThenI ended up turning that $70 something into $0.02.  Also yesterday morning before I heard the news of Mommy dying,  I was playing online slots and I knew that I had to stop, then I saw a memory of Mommy's hand in the hospital. Then some moments later I hear my older brother screaming and crying from the news he got on the phone. So then I closed my laptop to go check on him. Hearing the news that my mom was dying was get wrenching, I felt so so suicid@l ...

I spoke with my Therapist earlier today over camera. I talked to her about my sadness about Mommy dying. It was helpful talking to my therapist. Then a bit later, I tattooed my face and neck. I used a medical pen so my makeup can last longer when/if I get admitted to the Mental Hospital. I drew hearts on my neck to honor Mommy. I l♡ve you Mommy.

My eldest sis gave me two benadryl tablets to take since she was exposed to peanuts and didn't want me to get sick. The first time that I took allergy medicine in a long time. The time wss 1:11am

I lost like $400+ in the last 24 hours, SpinBlitz $70 something, Megabonanza $50, Spree $130. However, I worked up my balance on those accounts. I really should have cash out. I worked up the $70 on SpinBlitz to like $140, the $50 on Megabonanza to $93+ and the $130 on Spree to like $283+ I feel so disgusted. I feel like ending my life even more now. 2:11am.

My siblings and I visted Mommy in the hospital this afternoon. Our two neighbors were in the Toyota with us, one of them drove us.  My aunt, uncle, uncle's wife, grandpa, cousins, came to the hospital as well. It was emotional. My mom was on life support. I told her that I apologize for doing bad stuff and underground stuff to make momey. I just tried to support the family. My brother was like, Alan stopped doing those things. I was like, yeah, maybe I'm not the crime boss I think I am. We talked to Mommy some more. Later, my brother discussed with us about the multi-organ failure and taking my mom off of life support. I couldn't belive it. I got so bad, that my aunt had to take me to talk to the nurse about what was happening with my mom. The news, it really hit me hard. All I can do was grasp my green blanket tighter when I was taking in the news. I asked the nurse to try everything to help her recover. The nurse told me something like "We're doing all we can...

My mom is dying in the hospital, today may be the last time I see her. I wanted to wear something she'd like me to wear. I wasn't sure what to wear, The black floral dress that she loves and loves to see me in, so much so that she washed it and hung it up on the girls room? Or do I wear black pantyhose and green short pants? I haven't worn that since Daddy told me to take it (the pantyhose off) off. That happened when I was about a young teen. I told my mom about that story with the tights and green shorts again last year in the hospital after I had my facial feminization surgery. I was like, "I was wearing green shorts and black pantyhose when I went to help Daddy at the door with the groceries, then Daddy asked Why are you wearing stockings? And then he told me that a man doesn't wear pantyhose, take them off." My mom after hearing that story, She told me "well maybe you can wear it now". That inspired me, so then while in the hospital I ordered gr...