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10:49am Distress

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I woke up at 6 something am to complete a live survey that was a little over 75 minutes long. It was fun and it was about artwork. I received a $30 incentive. I wanted it to grow to at least $50, so I went to Baba Casino which had a $50 for $24.99 deal. I played with the $50 and lost it badly, but I eventually got up to like $80 something, but I had to get up to $100 to redeem cash. I went down to $70, $60, $50, $20s and back up to $50s then back down to $20s, $10s and eventually $0.04 cents. I blame the fact that a lot of the good slots are unavailable now due to new regional restrictions, so I was left with really bad slot providers such as Booming Games, Spinomenal and Runy Play, which left me with a balance of like $0. This has definitely upset me, now I only have a balance of $5.01 out of my $30 gift card. I'm so stressed right now, I wanted to start the day off strong, now it's falling apart, and I need to go and start work at 1pm on top of all that. It's just three h...
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8:31pm Political Survey

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I did a transphobic political call survey that lasted like over half an hour, no compensation, but I went through it anwayway because I was already so invested into it. The caller on the phone was asking me how I feel about immigrant Healthcare and  Transgender Healthcare and Surgeries and transgender rights and biological 'men' in women's sports. My reaction was like, if the US has the resources to help us, then why not benefit our fellow humans? My reaction to the secondary transgender demonization was like, these questions are pretty offensive to me, this is what I fight for. The survey was conducted by Dynata, my own flesh and blood, because I used to work for them, so it felt like a betrayal because why would they make such a transphobic survey. Towards the end, the caller thanked me for my time, and I thanked her as well. I did mention how the Transgender subjects were upsetting to me. She apologized and let me know that she had to read them because it was the script....
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5:18pm sadness

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I went shopping with my 2nd youngest sister and eldest brother today. In the car I played Crown Coins Casino and had free $6 of coins, with that I eventually earned up to $50, $70 and beyond. We arrived back home and my youngest sibling played the WNBA award ceremony for us, that was pretty cool, the medals were pretty. Anyway, I'm still playing the live American roulette game on Crown Coins Crashino, I've had about over an hour invested into it. I make it up to $123, and I'm pretty stoked about that. We had to head out again, this time Sam's Club, so I went and used the restroom real quick. I put my phone on the wall of the bathtub and pull down my pantyhose and underwear to use the toilet. While on the toilet I place some bets that didn't work out too good. I was eventually down to like $70-$90. I tried to bet on number 6, but the timer ran out, and of course, number 6 won. I was down very low by the time I got out of the bathroom. Outside while headin...
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9:19am HRT miss

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It looks like I was so tired and stressed out last night that I forgot to take my night time dosage of estradiol and pain killer pills. No worries, I'll just have to try again later tonight. This usually happens to me after I'm tired and I'm facing a heavy losing money streak, I forget to do basic essentials. Anyway, my dream was pretty interesting, I think my mom was in my dream, and I figured out that she's dead but alive again currently somehow, but unfortunately it was just a dream. This life is cruel. Also, my $93 dollar laptop installment payment didn't go through because I'm basically broke, which sux. I knew I shouldn't have touched my $2,300 when I was ahead two weeks ago. Dang it. Thanks for reading.
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9:52pm

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I had like $12 left in my account so I brought a $30 pack at Dime Sweeps and lost it down to $0.12 cents. I feel d3ad. Please call 988 if you feel similar. Thank you.
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8:58pm

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My big brother reminded me that I wanted to buy Milk at Publix, so I thanked him and we headed out. My 2nd youngest sister called in to let me know that my youngest sib wanted watermelon. I think I heard my youngest sib want jellybeans, so my 2nd youngest sister said, oh she brought some earlier. It's always awesome when my siblings use she/her pronouns on me. At the store in addition to the milk, I brought some watermelon and orange juice as well as requested by my siblings. You know what, a store Clerk ask me if I was paying with cash, so I nodded yes. He then tells the store lady, "She's paying with cash" I'll need some change, or something like that. I felt so happy that the clerk saw me as a she, it was totally worth losing my $228 in winnings earlier tonight, because if not for that, that moment probably wouldn't have happened. You know, that's like what I was telling my therapist earlier. It saddens me when I'm misgendered. So when people see as...
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7:51pm

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I spoke with my therapist about how I'm ahead, but then slip back, so many times that I've come to the conclusion many times that I'm actually in hell.  Anway, about 10 minutes before six I was finished speaking with my therapist because I had to cut our conversation short and reschedule for next week because I had to head out with my eldest brother and 2nd eldest sis. I used the $33 in GrubHub to get us Wendy's and stuff. Then I transferred $24 something to the black card so my brother can pay for the gas. I felt pretty optimistic about today, things were looking up. Then we dropped off my 2nd eldest sis at her workplace. I had so many thoughts in my head about money and expenses, so then I cancled my $195 redemption at CardCrush in hopes of making more money because the bills and expenses were pilling up so much and I still owed many bills. I ended up turning my $195 into $228 with Gravity Roulette. I knew I had to withdraw at least $200, but I thought tha...
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