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12:30am I lost $182

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I won and lost $182 within 8 hours. I feel like ending my self even more now. Yes, I was correct, God always let's me down. I worked up my $1 free play in LoneStarCasino to $105.89, lost the $5.89, no problem, withdrew again at $100. Wanted something to do again in the meantime so I played at SpinPals, worked the free play up all the way to like $77+ but lost it all when trying to reach the withdrawal minimum of $100. I felt awful, I wanted to win it back so I canceled my LoneStarCasino redemption winnings of $100, and watched in horror as my balance shrunk to nothing. Now I feel like ending my life even more. Please call 988 if you feel similar. Thank you. In other news, I brought 2 bars of $1.50 dove soap and a turkey pan and chicken drumsticks with my last $15 dollars or so, earlier today, now I'm like broke again. It's funny, you go from wealthy-ish, to broke and suicidal-ish so quickly in this worl...
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SMA appointment

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Here again at an appointment in SMA with that elder pyschiatrist guy, who once again asks if I identify as male or female. So I once again answer female.  We talk about drama and depression and stuff and the unfortunate passing of Mommy and my recent attempts at taking my life. In the end, he recommended therapy, but unfortunately he doesn't have a contract with my insurance so I'd have to outsource. We thanked each other for our time, and left. I basically waited about an hour for a 5-7 minute conversation. But at least I got a lollipop from a nice rep lady at the front of the building when I first entered. Ashame I didn't eat it in the end, I'm afraid of it tasting like orange, I don't like orange. I do like green / apple though, but I'm afraid of the risk of tasting orange, so I regre choosing the wrong lollipop. Thanks for reading.
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Wasted Money

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So I waited weeks to finally make a withdrawal on my OF for $22 dollars. I wake up to see that CashApp loans automatically took $19+ from my account, so now I just have like $3.29 in my Discover account. I hate my life.
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Grief Counselor

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So earlier today, my big brother and younger siblings met with my farther again, this was the 3rd day that we saw him.  Later, the rest of my siblings and I spoke with a grief counselor about mother's passing.  I told the counselor about how I predict people's deaths, and my guilt associated with it because I'm not able to prevent their deaths. She told me "That's called premonition, and that having premonitions isn't a bad thing, you know what we call people with premonitions? A profit.". I then felt a special spark in my stomach. I also shared my dream I had earlier today when Mommy was driving home, but then she told me to drive. I didn't know how to drive, yet she insisted. To me that was probably her way of telling me that it's my turn to take the driver's seat in life. The counselor agreed that that's a message, so that made me feel pretty confident in my connection with Mommy spiritually. The counselor also let us know that my mom tr...
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9:19am I shaved like every area of me

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I shaved like every area of me today, yay! I shaved my face, torso, back, butt, kinda the vagina, groin, arms and legs. And then I put on a beautiful bodysuit! I feel like a sxy bea-ich ♥︎ Thanks for reading!
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I'm such a mess, I just lost $40

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I saw that I was eligible for a $40 loan on Chime so I thought of doubling it to pay back the loan and keep a free $40. I ended up losing badly. I feel so disgusted. I brought $30 on Spindo for $50, lost that. $9.99 on Yay Casino for $12, lost that as well and now my lone is gone and I feel even more depressed.
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I fell while fallen asleep

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6:40am, I was dreaming in my gaming chair about slots losing and losing at lifing and me going into goth isolation or something and people bullying and hating while I find out thst I don't have to show them anything I'm losing, or how much more goth I'm becoming, or something like that. Then when I try to get away in my dream, I lean too much in real life and fall over in my gaming chair. My nose, spine, everything is hurting, but not as much as my mental pain right now. Depression really does hurt.
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