Mommy's Funeral

The family and I attended Mommy's Requim Funeral service. My Daddy was there and that calmed me to see him again.

I did feel some anger and vengeance towards God and the world as a whole, so I smiled thinking about my plans of vengeance, but towards the end of the service I said Amen with the paster and the others.

It was emotional seeing my Mom and her Mom in a box, but it was beautiful as well seeing them side by side again.

My brother carried my Mom and my uncle carried my Mom's mom.

When my siblings were crying during the service I felt so guilty because I knew that it was all my fault.

But, after the funeral my brother let me know that it wasn't my fault after I apologized to him and my eldest sister while they were hugging.

Also, my uncle's wife drove my siblings and I to the church because my brother was already there at the church with my father and they didn't want to delay, so we got a ride from uncle's wife.

My elder sisters and I also got a ride in my uncle's wife car again, she offered us to ride and encouraged me to come along as well, so I thanked her.

Additionally, after Mommy's funeral, Daddy hugged me, that was pretty calming for me, and he told me that he'll try to make things better. That to me was pretty reassuring.

After the funeral, I said "Love you Mommy".

Also, misc updates.

Earlier my eldest sister asked for ny stockings, so I was like, sure I'll find some. She asked again, then she said she found some, but in the end she went with something else.

I couldn't help her immediately regrettably at the time because I was using an E-razor.

Also, later I got my black lacoste shoes and cleaned them up for my Mom's funeral.

I was twitching my neck so many times during the funeral service because I was mentally losing it probably. 

My eyes were watery, but I didn't really cry because the feeling of responsibility and guilt was overwhelming in me. The pain is different when you believe that your loved one's death is your fault. 

She died abruptly from leukemia, but I constantly ruminate on the What If? Scenarios, like what if I did this? What if I didn't do this? It's my fault since I didn't do that.

This constant thinking on the What Ifs is driving me manic, lunatic. I'm not sure what I'd become in the future, but I hope that it's something my family would be proud of.


Thank you for reading, and thank you for everything, love you 4ever Mommy.

Sincerly,

Your daughter and musical entertainer, Alan ♡

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