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Feelings

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I've lived as a boy and hid my trans identity to make others happy, but that fell apart shortly by the time I was 12, I decided to accidentally get seen wearing girl clothes. That way I could tell my family non-verbally. (I also put a dress 👗 on when I was three, but my Daddy told me that the dress looked square on me! 😭) (And similar also happened when I was 12, 13, 14, 15>>, my Daddy & 2nd eldest sis have discouraged me from wearing girl clothes... Huh, maybe they were jealous because I looked too pretty.) Anyway, non-verbal storytelling and communication is a pretty useful tool for me. Because saying, "You know what? I'm Trans!" would be a bit cringe for me... Funny, I've never really seriously used that word in real life to describe myself.  Because, I'm just a Girl!!! Whenever I say Trans Girl, I get the bad comments and accusations and hate. I'd love to just skip all that drama and just be a successful pretty rich girl ♡ I...
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10:03pm Ammonite Girl

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I installed pump fun on my phone and I saw that you can create your own crypto coin, so I began drawing, but then I soon just made a fun profile Pic that depicted my FB username Ammonite Maker, lol, I love her! I named this file as "The Ammonite Maker".
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4:02pm

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I drew this while speaking with my therapist, she gave me a lot of good advice and stuff. Thanks for re ading!
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3:09pm

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Earlier today, today LoneStarCasino gave me $100 SC, so that was pretty cool, it wasn't the 500 SC I asked for though. But I was greatful and I was eventually able to redeem $100.15. I eventually cancled the redemption to try and make more money, but I lost it after hours of trying to get it back up to $100 after losing it down. I felt very bad afterwards, I'm now speaking with my therapist. 3:23pm.
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8:38pm

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I restarted my subscription for Cleo loans which was basically my last $5.99. I then took out my approved loan of $20, which included a fee of $4.95. I go to Modo casino and make a $20 deposit and I lost it. The loan went to waste. I hate myself so much right now, it feels unbearable. At least I got some ingredients from Walmart about an hour ago, so I'm not completely useless.
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7:27pm

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OCD & finance is an awful mix, I always have a certain amount I need to save or earn to feel comfortable and at ease.  However, chasing money has been getting me stressed & unsatisfied lately, it's like a curse. I finally have a job, but the pay isn't enough.  When my bank had 50, not enough, 260, it wasn't enough, when it had 1,140K, it wasn't enough. The money just wasn't ever enough, thus I try to make more, crypto, puzzles, surveys, gamble, casino, content, so many tasks that my mind would scramble, I would mentally ramble, "not enough, not enough." Then I lose it all, now it's really not enough, but I pick myself back up and try again, rinse and repeat, I work 1 week, 2 weeks, 4 weeks, 6 weeks, back up again, then lifestyle creep, creep, balance reaches peak then back to zero tomorrow. I swear money is driving me insane, I've been chasing it all my life, yet I'm still in poverty, ha ha, irony, most definitely. I used to...
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5:24pm Hurt

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I deposited like $20 from my last $25 in my account, there was a $2.50 fee. I lost the $20 I deposited into GlobalPoker, the culprit was a ReelRiot game, just like last time at Chumba and earlier today at Chumba. I hate ReelRiot! I feel so destroyed and defeated right now and lost and I feel like I'm failing in life and becoming a stranger to myself, I feel like I should cease to exist. [If you feel similar, call or text 988.] I get a little closer to success, then it all collapses when I try to reach just a bit further. I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate, hate, hate and hate!!!!!!!!!
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