MintCoaTea

I was admitted to the hospital, and so was my 2nd youngest sis. Although, my cause was because of my su1cidal ideation, she was admitted because she's having an asthma attack. Before I went and got admitted I went to the restroom. My brother wanted someone to go with me in the stall. My 2nd eldest sister went with me. She wanted to see my pusay, so I showed her. She also wanted to see it open, so I opened it. She also saw my green shorts. Also, after the bathroom trip I had a blood draw, my aunt was there with me. I also had an EKG.

December 17th 1963 - 10:09pm April 11th 2026. Thanks for everything, Mommy. When I lost you, I went totally crazy, I tried to open the 4 story window again after screaming no and flipping a chair. The nurse and I picked the chair back up, I apologized, she understood. The nurse, auntie and my brother consoled me. I was heartbroken, Mommy, so much hurt in me. My brother understood that I needed to go get help. We had each other's heads together. He let me know that it wasn't my fault that you became I'll.  That was reassuring for me, Mommy. Thank you so much for all your love and support. My brother and I got so emotional about an hour or two ago when I told you that I'm still getting the surgery. Because I know that you wanted me to get that surgery, and like my brother said, you were worried about me getting it. You don't have to worry about that, or anything, it's all going to work out for the better. When your heart went below 50, I let you know how much I lo...

My family are by Mommy's bedside tonight. She had her breathing tube removed a couple of hours ago. She's now breathing in a struggle. We played her favorite music and shared stories and memories of her. I was thinking of eating chips by her bedside because we would always like to eat chips together. Then I thought of those sink cleaning videos we recorded together, she wanted me to publish them. I then put my hand on the 4 story hospital window and slapped at the window a few times until ultimately trying to get the window open. My 2nd youngest sis told my aunt about it. My aunt comforted me, then my brother. They were letting me know that I can let it out. I begin crying so much that it began burning my eyes. My brother told me that Mommy's always loved and accepted me.

After nearly tearing off my nail my brother noticed that I was toying with the switch blade knife. He told me not to do it. So then I put the knife away in my pocket. My aunt later sat by me to keep watch of me. In the women's bathroom my eldest sister and my aunt asked me some questions. Also before that my aunt fixed my dress for me, I thanked her.  My aunt asked if I had anything that can hurt myself. I took the folded knife out of my left pocket and gave it to my aunt. My sis was shocked that I had the knife. My sis and auntie talked to me.

I feel terrible, Fatē is inevitable. I was working towards a musical album goal , I was optimistic & hopeful & actually happy yesterday, alas my spirit later went away.  Where do I exit when it hurts to exist? My control I'm losing it, my life, I'm abusing it. I may or may not get help, I feel cold inside and out. Assets and the monetary feel petty to me, in-fact chasing them all my life drove me crazy, but that doesn't matter now, really, nothing much at all matters to me nowadays really.  Too many favorite activities now drain me. I'm losing my hope and sanity.  A voice just now spoke to me "All my problems" it sounded muffled and fuzzy, but I heard it clearly. Sadly everything ends, thank you so much 4 everything, friends.  Love you & everyone Forever ♡ 

So I've been playing around with the switch knife I've kept in the car for a while. I feel so desperate to ST/|B myself. Hearing my siblings cry makes me play with the knife, I can't live with this guilt. [Plesse call 988 if you're feeling depressed] I actually almost stabbed my right thigh with a clear plastic fork earlier while eating DoorDash McDonald's fries and nuggets (I burnt them in the oven). I heard my brother crying so that gave me powerful su1cidal thoughts. The vanilla shake from DoorDash McDonald's was green in color and also tasted like spearmint, so I had that refunded. The cookies also tasted too raw. Anyway, after the fork stabbing thoughts, I told my eldest sister that I've been thinking of stabbing myself. She cried, so then I told her that I'm getting help. She's like, do you want to go to SMA? I was like, maybe after we see Mommy. Thanks for reading.