Sadness X Dress Try On

So today was pretty sad, but at least I got to try on a new dress from the church thrift shop, we needed clothes for Mommy's funeral so the two church ladies let my siblings and I try and keep some clothes that the clothes had available in their very own thrift store.

Earlier I got into an argument with the church girls many times, like when they bring up how great God is and stuff, I'd get annoyed and bring up the fact that my devout friends died before their time, my Mom included.

And I also brought up that God kills more than demons, so why are we worshipping a destroyer????

Additionally, the laddies were talking about cremating my Mom, and I strongly opposed that. 

One of the laddies challenged me with coming up with $20,000 for burial then in a week, so I was like, I have some tricks up my sleeves.

However, ultimately the majority vote was cremation. As I mentioned, it's always about money in this world and I'm never given a choice in my life, NEVER!!!

I feel like I have failed my Mom in both life in death. I couldn't save her from dying or how she's buried, because of lack money, and for that I feel like killing myself successfully.

Also, the church old laddies were talking about "cremates' and stuff, and I just had it, they disrespected my Mom way too many times by referring to her as 'Body, and Cremates' NO! She's my Mommy!

So then I yelled out "You and your Cremates!!!" And then I was like, "sorry it was just the demon in me". One of the old laddies sushed me.

Also, we talked about how my Grandpa and Step-Grandma are A-hoes, and my sister talked about how my Step-Grandma insulted me for being Trans. 

So the old lady explained that my grandparents are from another generation so they don't understand. 

So then I explained how they also insult my siblings with verbal abuse, as my 2nd eldest sister also mentioned.

Anyway, it was cool to try on a dress in the end. Before the try-on one of the old laddies, the one that hushed me earlier, asked if I wanted a pants or a skirt, so then I was like, a skirt I guess.

So we looked for some. Another old lady suggested a dress, so then I was like, I was thinking of a dress.

In the end, I got a black bubble dress. The old laddies liked it and so did my young eldest sis.

Also, today I treated my siblings to McDonaldz and I also paid for groceries at Publix.

My $125 gift card from a survey came in today, so I brought $124.99 worth of coin packs at Spree Casino, won about $203, wanted to make more money due to feeling financially pressured by the fact that payments were due, two:

$330 to extend my Mom's pawned jewelry and $780 to prevent the storage units going to auction.

It was all up to me because my 2nd eldest sister didn't want to help pay even though she has more money than me since she's employed and stuff.

So I try to make more money, lose the $203 I had on Spree, then lose another $100 from my Chime checking and loan due to Spree, then I lose $69.99 from my Discover due to SpinBlitz, then I lose another $49.99 to RealPrize and I alao lose $9.99 from SpinPals.

If I count the survey money and money in my checking, I've lost about $329 dollars today, which only made me feel even more suicidal.

Heads up, please call 988 if you feel the same. Thanks!

Anyway, I hate this world, I hate my life, and I just want everything to end. 

Also, on the bright side I did pick up my Estradiol at Publix and I withdrew $450 in cash earlier today. This was the first time that I picked up my Estradiol at the Publix close to our real house.

Also, I accidentally scratched my right eye/lid earlier after we got back from the church after I got distracted from thinking about my name backwards after reading my name sticker that the church printed out for my siblings and me so that way the laddies can remember our names. So after I accidentally scratched my eye I drew a scar over it.

Also, I did thank the church laddies after my siblings and I picked out clothes.

I screamed a lot today when I got back home and after I lost so much money in an attempt to make more money. Life sucks, it's a scam.

Thanks for reading.


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