Ghost

1:39pm 

So earlier today I had a dream that I went to the mental hospital. I didn't get dinner there. Also, I was telling the staff about the cost of stuff, and one of them mentioned that they paid $125 yesterday.

Also, in my dream today or yesterday, my scalp was peeling off.

Additionally in my dream, a very emotional scene. My Mommy was a ghost, she had three markings on the back of her neck. 

She cried, she thought she was a demon, I reassured her that no, she's my friend. That cheered her up.

Stuff has been emotional in real life, I'm living a nightmare. I cried so much in my gaming chair bed and was going through intense suicidal ideation over the realization that I could have paid for the storage but I ruined my chance by attempting to make more money now I've damaged my family even more, I just want somebody to kill me.

I thought in my mind, "Mommy, please take me. And Mommy was like, no my daughter Alan.".

That was pretty touching.

Also, my brother and I drove to extend my Mom's pawned jewelry since he had $20.

I was already sad, but then my evil Step-Grandma Thora called on the phone letting my brother know that she and grandpa are at the funeral home for the viewing and that grandpa wanted us to hurry up.

That really pissed me off, but I held my anger in tell after the call. I later screamed "I'll kill them both!!"

[All this stress, made me rip off my nail].

After I screamed out my killing threat,

my  brother was like ?

I'm like, Thora and Grandpa.

I don't want to hurt them, I'm scared, I'm actually a mellow person, but it's that other side of me.

I didn't have my knife with me, so that made me feel disappointed.

My brother suggested medication.

I was like, it just masks it. 

He said it doesn't.

I'm like, it does.

Y'all I can't with this life anymore.

This life was messy but nearly perfect till I bloody ruined it by trying to make it a little less stressy by chasing money now I've lost my best friends and sanity. 

I think I'm truly done, I'll give myself another week maybe, but I don't know, if I lose that storage, I'm absolutely killing myself.

Please call 988 if you're feeling like me, because you really shouldn't.

Thanks for reading.