Drama & Sadness x New Phone x I lost the last $10 on my $350 Walmart Card x More Sadness

I only tried to make more money, but I failed miserably. Moonspin took my last $10, but to be fair there was a $5 monthly maintenance fee on the Walmart card. I feel like such a failure. 

Also, I haven't been doing good mentally lately, what do you do when you once again lose $1,000+ for nothing? 

I was blessed with that $1K, I was hit with that $800 storage unit bill, I tried to make more money, lost the $1K in the process and now I'm once again a suicidal mess.

I've been screaming in pain earlier today, my siblings had to calm me down.

I blamed the storage not getting paid and my Mom's death on myself so much that it's hard to live with myself.

I explained to my brother that I thought my sister would help me with the storage, but when she refused I felt like it was all on me.

(The moment she refused to pay, I went into full gambling mode. I wanted to make hundreds more off of my $1K, because I had the $780 storage to pay, plus the $300 pawned jewelry, plus the internet bill, plus other things. And oh yeah, my insurance bill is coming up also now that I think of it,

However, my plan to make more money backfired horribly.  I did have $125 into spree casino already which I turned into $200, but after I failed to make more momey and lost it all, I feel into a downward spiral.).

So anyway, earlier today my briefly told me that my sister will now pay the remaining $300. So I thanked him.

This cane too late though I think, I've already lost my $350 in an attempt to make more money. I feel like if she agreed to help earlier than I wouldn't be in such financial loss and suicidal pain. I was even considering quitting those gambling sites earlier that day (May 12th) before massive the losses began.

This nightmare keeps happening to me, and I just want to die, you know.

Also, my 2nd youngest sis suggested to my brother that he takes me to SMA (Mental Hospital). 

I talked my way out of it

I then have a meaningful and emotional talk with my siblings and stuff.

My brother hugs me before he talks my 2nd eldest sis with him to see the viewing of my Mommy. 

My brother tells me that "I don't want you to be gone when I come back, OK.".

I agreed and thanked him for hugging me.

Later, my eldest sis hugged me as well, I thanked her.

Also, my new 2nd hand S23 Ultra arrived, it was literally hot, because it was hot outside and I was only notified of it's arrival like over 10 minutes after it arrived, ah FedEx.

Anyway, the phone powered on normally thankfully.

Much later, my brother and 2nd eldest sis arrive back home with outback chicken, and a toy alligator. My brother filled me in that a relative brought them the chicken and that I get to keep the alligator. I then thanked him.

I soon baked the chicken. I couldn't find the grilled one so I had the fried one.

The fried one tasted good, but I think it made my throat a bit tight, despite the tight throat the chicken still tasted alright, I'll be alright as well, I hope.

I don't know, my Mommy was the only one who can truly calm me, without her I feel forever entrapped in insanity.

I'm scared for me and my family, I feel like things can only get darker and sadder from here on out.

Please call 988 if you feel sad and alone.

Thanks for reading.