Desperation and Disappointment

So my brother was asking me if I was ready to make the payment for the $780 storage unit.

He told me that my 2nd eldest sister is willing to help.

He asked how much I have, I was like maybe about $100...

I then explained that I lost my momey from scams. I wish that my sister agreed to help me pay earlier because it could have been done, 

but instead I had too much pressure on me, and I tried to make more money and I got scammed.

He's like, I'll let her know.

I saw him by the door with the door open with his hand in his face obviously upset.

I apologized and explained that it was too much pressure, I was facing hundreds of dollars in bills.

Anyway, I feel so beyond guilty right now. I feel like killing myself and stuff.

[Call 988 if you feel the same].

Anyway, I'll try to sell my new phone at least, I also tried taking out loans earlier today.

Gosh, I was ahead.

I remember on the 12th of May at church after we were picking out clothes for my Mom's funeral, I received $125 from a survey, but there was a $7.50 transfer fee to my bank so I chose a prepaid visa card instead and gambled on Spree, turning the $125 into $203 on the drive back home, but then I was faced with my employed older sister not helping me with the family bills, and probably thoughts from earlier of the church laddies mentioning if I could make $20K within a week for a burial instead of a cremation, 

so then instead of cashing out I played some more and I lost, so then I deposited more and lost, and lost and lost and lost. 

This went on for several more days until I lost $1,000+ and was in debt. 

This is the manic depression and loss chasing when everything is just so overwhelming and depressing.

I was freaking ahead, like what?

I hate my life, I hate it!!!!

Thanks for reading.