Hospital Visit

Today 4/8/2026, (well yesterday now)

My siblings and I visted our mom in the hospital again.

She finally accepted the blood transfusion, which was very helpful to my mental health, because the thought of her dying like that in the hospital was making me very su1cidal.

I even briefly spoke to my therapist about my mom's situation and my su1cidal ideation.

I felt so guilty that Mommy was sick in the hospital. I felt like if I had more money she wouldn't be in that situation.

I even talked about how I was tempted to stab a pencil into my neck.

[ Ironically I did accidentally cut myself while shaving my groin area in the shower before my therapy session. I wasn't sure if I was going to go to the mental hospital or not, so I made sure to shave my underarms, vag and bikini area. I ended up getting like 3 small cuts above my bikini area, due to the dollar store razor, unfortunately.]

My therapist, she gave me helpful advice like going outside for a walk outside, watching videos, just anything to distract myself.

She also asked if I wanted a welfare check, so I kindly refused and assured her that I was feeling better after going outside for a walk to check the mail (my purple leotard arrived, one of the other reasons why I shaved), talking and watching videos on suicid3 prevention.

I thought I might admit myself to the mental hospital if I told my mom "If you don't take the blood transfusion, I'd k1ll myself".

That's what I told my therapist, that's why I thought I might be going to the Mental Hospital.

Anyway, it was very helpful talking to my therapist over Zoom.

I thanked her for the session.

After that, my 2nd youngest sister is upset because she overheard me talking about my depression and stuff, she thought it was her fault, that she wasn't making money, that her art wasn't good enough. I told her that wasn't true, and that her art is amazing and inspires me, and that she is much more valuable than money.

And that I don't make much money from my own art, I make money from weird surveys.

We talked more,

I noticed that she scratched her face, so that broke my heart. I felt so bad, that I screamed about wanting to k1ll myself.

I thought that once again, I ruined everything.

Anyway, I try my best to cheer her up, letting her know that it isn't her fault.

I let her know that the problem was with me.

My siblings talk with me as well, trying to cheer me up.

My brother explains what I want to change. I'm like, everything's just been hell.

He's like, that doesn't answer the question.

And we talk some more.

My eldest sister explains to me that it's not my fault that Mommy's in the hospital.

I explained to her that if I had more money, then she wouldn't of have gotten on the roof and gotten sick.

She asked me, you're 26, 25. What 25 year old has $31,000 dollars.

(About $31K was the price of the roof repair)

I was like, um...

Then I felt somewhat better.

Yeah, yesterday was pretty bad.

I was screaming and self-hating so badly, because once again I messed everything up, everyone's upset now because of me.

My siblings calm me down.

My 2nd youngest sis told me that she's just trying to make me happy. I explain to her she is making me happy, and that's the thing, I've spent my whole life trying to make everyone happy.

She told me that I do make them happy.

Then I got teared up and emotional, and I thanked her. Because that was so powerful, "You do make us happy".

That was so, so beautiful.

After we calm down we go to the car and stuff.

I was still screaming and stuff and still fidgety in the car, I had so much pain. So much pain.

After we went to visit Mommy in the hospital and it was explained that she had finally had the blood transfusion and stuff, I felt better.

My brother and I visited her in the room, and he placed my hand on hers.

I apologized to my mom, "sorry my hand might be a bit dirty as a precaution".

She acknowledged by saying, hmmmm.

She couldn't talk much due to the sedation drugs and her throat hurting after the breathing tube was removed.

I thanked her for talking the blood transfusion and I explained to her that I had to speak with my therapist and that I almost did something bad because I felt so guilty that you were here.

Then my brother got me to stop talking about that.

I saw that my mom was a bit upset hearing about my pain. Her eyes were watery. 

I let her know that I love her.

After the visit with mother, the Doctor arrived to talk to us.

Older male doctor this time in appearance.

My brother gave an introduction, and I stated my name as well.

The doctor asked for my relation to Mommy.

My brother replied, "Sister, Daughter".

I smiled.

It felt so good for him to refer to me as Mommy's daughter.

Thanks for reading!

The leotard was brought from eBay, but was delivered in a recycled Amazon mailer, I respect that.

Me in my ideation situation, I wanted to capture the moment perfectly through photography.

Anyway, I'm feeling much better today.

I even vidted SMA Mental Hospital today for my brother's appointment, but I didn't confess that it was the anniversary almost to the day when I was admitted there last year, nor did I speak about wanting to end my l1fe.

Anyway, if you're feeling like ending it or depressed, please call 988.

Thanks for reading.