4:22pm I put on Green Shorts and Black Tights again for the first time in years

My mom is dying in the hospital, today may be the last time I see her. I wanted to wear something she'd like me to wear.

I wasn't sure what to wear,

The black floral dress that she loves and loves to see me in, so much so that she washed it and hung it up on the girls room?

Or do I wear black pantyhose and green short pants? I haven't worn that since Daddy told me to take it (the pantyhose off) off. That happened when I was about a young teen.

I told my mom about that story with the tights and green shorts again last year in the hospital after I had my facial feminization surgery.

I was like, "I was wearing green shorts and black pantyhose when I went to help Daddy at the door with the groceries, then Daddy asked Why are you wearing stockings? And then he told me that a man doesn't wear pantyhose, take them off."

My mom after hearing that story, She told me "well maybe you can wear it now".

That inspired me, so then while in the hospital I ordered green short pants. It was only till today I opened and wore them.

Anyway, I wasn't sure what to wear. I ultimately decided to wear the floral dress she likes. Unfortunately it fell on the floor some days ago, so I put it away on my mom's bed with the other things that needed washing at the time.

But today, I got it up, wet my hands to wash it off a bit and put it on. 

I also put on black leggings, because before my mom went into the ambulance a couple of weeks ago, she said to me "Alan, the black leggings".

I was wearing sage leggings at that time, the same ones I went to the mental hospital with last month.

Anyway, I put on the black leggings and the beautiful floral dress.

I was a still having second thoughts about the green short pants though, and I figured that I should put them on as well.

So I left my mom's room, went back to my room and opened the bag of my green shorts and I removed the tags, and I slipped into the short pants.

I had my S24 FE camera record the moment.

Seeing that combination of the black tights and the green cargo pants again was nostalgic and freeing.

I told myself. I feel like me.

Then the door opened, I make my dress fall back down.

My 2nd youngest sis went to check on me, she asked what I was doing. I told her, dressing up, then I smiled and thanked her for checking on me.

I later thanked her for washing the clothes and the black leggings. It was good to see the leggings on the dryer because Mommy wanted me to wear them.

I then later brush my teeth, use Dove Sakura body scent, and put petroleum on my lips for the ultimate feminine look.

I wanted Mommy to see her Daughter.

Oh my, I smiled when I just wrote that. 5:38pm.

Also, before getting dressed I prayed to God almighty that Mommy recovers.

5:39pm.

It was 2:39pm when I looked at my phone screen a little while after I heard the news about Mommy not doing well.

These might just be signs. The number 39 has been following me in my life for a while now.

It reminds me of an Ammonite, my favorite creature. Mommy and I always loved ammonite.

After hearing the news about her, I wasn't sure what was happening. I thought she already died from the look of my older btother and sister's reactions. I was so shaken, so sad. I wasn't sure how to process it.

I said "Love you Forever Mommy".

After hearing that she was still alive, I felt better, less su1cidal, more hopeful.

On the phone, my siblings told Mommy :I love you", and I told her "I love you" as well.

Outside before going to the car to visit Mommy in the hospital. My lady neighbor liked my dress. I thanked her, and told her that I like her shirt, (Her shirt looked like the trans flag). She smiled.

It felt good to complimented about my dress, the dress Mommy complimented me in as well.

I smiled writing that.

If you can see this too, Mommy. 

Mommy I love you.