Depression, Eviction and $952 Dollar Loss

So we completed the eviction earlier today by leaving the apartment. We had to stay up packing and I was so tired that I had to sleep in my gaming chair for about an hour.

After that, the cleaning continued.

In the end, I was so depressed about everything that I was too slow to clear my room fast enough so I DoorDashed Starbucks Hot Chocolate, then Coffee and a cookie after that to energize me. I felt guilty about ordering that much though, because that was like almost $20 spent in food delivery, I had to be more frugal.

Also, in the end my mom and eldest siblings helped clear the rest of my room, so I thanked them.

Also, after we left the apartment for the last time I checked the mail for the last time and returned the mail key by leaving it in the lock.

Speaking of lock, while in the car I saw an AD from Megabonanza casino, advertising free $50 SC, free Spins and a wheel spin for $49.99, so I brought that expecting a triple deal of free 50 spins, SC and a wheel spin, however in the end it was just the SC and the wheel spin, the spin brought me 20 spins. The ad was misleading, as I loosely explained to customer service, to which the rep didn't really care.

In the end, I lost the $50 investment, and felt awful.

So then I tried Jackpota which had an offer of free SC spins starting at 15 spins for a $85 purchase, then 20 spins on 2nd, 80 spins on 3rd purchase.

So I used my $350 gift card I gained from working a 10 Hour focus group some days ago. I was really looking forward to using that money for a camera or something, but no the lost chasing demon had to possess me again.

My brother drops my eldest sis and I at Circle K to use the restroom. The male restroom was boarded up. My sis exited the women's and warned me that I can't use the bathroom here. 

She probably thought I preferred to use the male restroom, or is being pretty protective of me, which explains why she stayed with me earlier when I went to the Chick-fila women's restroom and kinda escorted me out in a panicked hurry after I was done as if to protect me.

Anyway, my bro takes me to McDonaldz to use the restroom.

My eldest sister tells me to be careful, before I left.

I then go to the Women's restroom, and I hurry and say I'll be out soon, because I heard a knock at the door. On exit from the stall, there was a customer lady and a Mc worker lady waiting.

I then wash my hands, I noticed that the customer lady was probably next in line to wash her hands, so I hurry.

Then the lady storms out of the area as if she was afraid of me. I felt hurt and powerful at the same time, like wow, I'm so goth.

Anywayz, after that bathroom break the gambling losses continued.

So yes, I loose about $300 at Jackpota without a single redemption.

The Money Factory was running a promotion for 45% extra with a coin package purchase.

So I tried that with $500 thinking I was going to get like $750, but no I just got $500. Turns out the 45% extra doesn't apply to that package as I found out through customer service. The rep did agree with me that yes, the coupon does show under the $500 package, but he stated that it doesn't actually apply to it.

So I try so hard to redeem and chase my losses, and end up loosing the $500, and I felt my workd crash down.

My brother gave me McDonald's, a large 10 piece nuggets, fries and a mocha frap, so I thanked him.

Also, I tried my luck again at loss chasing by buying a $77.77 dollar pack at Fortune Coins, I loose it all.

I then tried a $69.99 pack at Playflame, and I lost that as well.

Making my total loss $952, which all began because I lost $50 at Megabonanza.

I freaking hate myself so, so bloody much!

But it's okay, I have bigger fish to fry, I'm still thousands in debt over surgery bills and stuff, which I guess I need to pay off if I want my nose and boobs done.

I thought that higher bets would give me a higher chance of getting there, the land of clear debt and the financial freedom of obtaining more surgery, but sadly no, I was hit in the face with harsh reality yet again.

This was the same type of loss that got me at the Mental hospital earlier this year. Funny, I was just thinking of my gambling downward spiral earlier before my $952 loss today after my sister noticed my snowflake publix bag and asked when the last time I walked to Publix was, which I replied something like, it was late March. (I lost enough money in March to April to send me to the mental hospital, $1,500 was the amount on file).

Anyway, I'm on the floor of a hotel right now, we just like checked in. This is like our new home for now, I guess.

I told myself as I put my bag of clothes in the hotel closet, "I'm depressed, and depression hurts".

My mom heard me and talked to me about it. She reminded me of how far I've come and that sharing the story of my surgery helped many people. So then, that made me feel a bit better, so I thanked her.

Thanks for reading. Please reach out to 988, if you're having depressive thinking. Thank you.