I lost $75 dollars, I wanna die

My $80 deposit from my Adult Work I waited and worked hard for like 3 months for just disappeared and now I feel like ending everything.

I feel like so ashamed, I paid $75, then made $77, then canceled the withdrawal and worked it up to $106, but then I lost it all when I just tried to get back to $120 again, I feel so ashamed and like a waste of life, I'm always falling for this disgusting gambling stuff, they're always making me feel suicidal. 

It doesn't help that we're going to freaking lose our apartment tomorrow due to too many missed payments, we owe them $6,300, I can't do that, I'll never reach that amount in a few days. The gambling didn't freaking work, I want to just destroy everything, I feel like destroying something so bad! 

When my Playflame balance went down from like $106 to like $50 I had that sinking feeling and it just went down hill from there. I also like lost $20 earlier from McLuck which was from free play.

I want to end something so badly, I hate this world so much and the financial repression and depression I'm faced with.

I needed that money for my bloody appointment and now it is freaking gone! I hate myself so freaking much! I want to destroy myself so badly, but I guess I can't, just one more thing I can't do in my life. I feel like I can't get ahead, I have no say in this world, everything just ends up ruined, freaking ruined!

Please call 988 if you're experiencing difficult feelings. Thank you.

This was when I freaking canceled my redemption, I keep freaking doing this in hopes of making more money but it's like they just turn off Winning Mode and I turns straight to Loosing Mode. I can't, I just can't anymore.

Thanks for reading.


Update: I called my bank Discover to try and dispute the transaction to get my money back, however they couldn't do it, so I felt bad. Also the lady on the phone said, ms Hanley, I mean Mr Hanley. So that made me feel even worse.

Then I corrected her towards the end, like, thanks for your help, also it's ms Hanley, so then she said sorry, and I'm like that's okay.
The index card paper I tore up after the call was over.


Also, earlier today, Swiss Colony, they couldn't move my start date, conflicts with my hospital appointment date and work start date have forced me to fargo my remote work this season.

So now I'm broke and broken and in so much debt, I freaking hate money. It kills people, it makes people kill themselves.

I never seem to get a break in life, when I do catch a break I ruin it and it leaves me broken.

Thanks for reading.

#emo like #emotional suicidal #transgirl
but don't call the police on me, I'm fine actually, I'm just picking up the pieces of my continuously breaking fragile life. Upside, at least my acepainkiller medicine came today. I think my big sister brought it inside for me. Thank you sis.

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