Night till Dawn emotional ordeal with fam, dad & mom.

Massive & emotional fight with family last night. Mom wanted me to move out and stuff after I a long chain of misunderstandings.

My sister was cooking dinner, I was singing bodies by drowning pool. My mom told me that the neighbors could hear. I thought they were curious to what I was singing, so then I said that I was singing "nothing wrong with me, nothing wrong with me, nothing wrong with me, something has to give now" Bodies, by drowning pool.

I also told my mom the end of the music video where the murderer saw himself dead on a gurney.

My mom is like, things aren't that bad here, she was concerned about my mental state, i guess. So then I told I her my dream I had where my older sister and I had a murder plot oh her, but my older sister got caught so retaliated and tried to cut off my fingers and toe.

My mom was upset by my dream, and she was like, if you want me dead, I don't see what's stopping you? And an argument starts, she storms downstairs and outside where she calls my dad.

I explained to my siblings what's going on. 

My mom comes back, and she's upset with me, and I go on a paranoid rant because I'm so frustrated that she actually believes that I hate her and disrespect her, so with this sadness and rage within me I start doing chaotic things while trying to put away dinner, and I slam the microwave door in frustration. She thought that was so disrespectful and threatened that I'll have to pay for it if it broke, and I get even more upset and start saying "can't you see that none of this is real!???"

And I go downstairs, my mom tells me to leave, "seems like you have a plan, so you can leave"

I go outside and walk away, my sister opens the door and begs me to come back.

So, then I come back, and it's just me and my two younger sisters in my mom's room now, which my sister had closed. And then we start talking about depression, self-hatred, and suicide. My sisters didn't want me to go, and they said they loved me, and I exchanged the same I love y'all.

My mom comes and asks, I thought you were leaving? So then I explained that I needed to get my stuff. So I go up stairs and pack my stuff.

My dad and youngest sister calls me on the phone.

We talk about deep stuff and stuff, my dad tells me not to tell people disturbing dreams, and he suggested I can see a therapist. My dad begs me not to go and warns me about the bad thingd on the street and stuff, and he helps me with my suicidal feelings.

My sister comes and checks on me, and I tell her what's going on, kind of. She eventually leaves, because I had the "I'm okay" mask.

My dad and i exchanged i love yous, and when i thanked my dad for my back surgery, he was like, i didn't do it, you did. That was powerful.

So, we talked more about the argument situation and the mental misunderstandings.

My dad on the phone understood that the argument was a misunderstanding, he asked what I was doing now, so then while I was still packing, I answered "crying," my dad said good, and he encourages me to apologize to my mom.

I go back downstairs to apologize, and my stupid mental illness strikes again and I start yelling in frustration because I saw that look on her face that meant she's upset and disappointed with me. I go back upstairs and start talking to myself.

I go upstairs and slam my brother's and I's bedroom door.

My said, you do not slam the door.

My mom tells me that she'll baker act me, aka call the mental hospital to take me.

I was ready for that, and I was like yes!

My mom left to lookup services that can take me, and my older brother walks into my room and well have a talk, and I basically explained that I'm upset that she's upset because she thinks I hate her, so I'm like so frustrated and very verbal and paranoid because my mental illness ruined everything again.

My bro asked why I'm not like that around him, so i explained because i feel safe, so then he's like why don't you feel safe with mom? So then i start crying & sobbing deeply for a while.

My bro explained that i have to tell my mom how i feel. So I go into the bathroom to cleanout the burning makeup in my eyes. My bro checks on me with a knock at the door asking if I'm okay, i responded with a yes. Soon, we go downstairs again.

I see my mom in the kitchen on the computer looking up baker act information, and i start talking to my mom, then i go down to my knees on birthday gift wrapping on the floor,

and I start crying and sobbing uncontrollably, endlessly.

 [Just like the dream i had the hospital where i was sobbing & crying uncontrollably in my mom & dad's room in their presence]

So then my mom comes in to hug me, and my older siblings come in to support me as well.

And I'm crying explaining to my mom that i was frustrated because she was angry at me because she thought i hated her and i was being disrespectful, but i was showing those actions and yelling and slammed my door because i was just so upset that she thought I hated her, and i couldn't express myself properly that i love her.

So, i was upset that all this happened because i told her about a stupid dream involving a plot between my sister and i to kill her, i can't control those things, i love my mom.

So, my mom's like I'm so sorry, I've never seen you cry before. I thought you wanted to leave. So i explained that i thought leaving would make her happier. She's like no, i don't want you to go, i love you, so i say i love you too.

My siblings are helping us out with tissues and stuff, and my mom wipes the running makeup off my right face.

Also, towards the end my mom kissed my left hand, that was so sweet ♡

It was a very emotional night which lasted till morning. Lots of misunderstandings & my psychotic episodes.

But, in the end my mom and older siblings hugged and stuff, and my mom was comforting me the whole time while I was crying on the floor.

Even though I haven't took my pain meds in over 8 hours, I couldn't feel much physical pain because of the emotional pain I was in. I didn't even eat dinner that night because I felt so undeserving.

So, yeah mom & i made up. We both thought we didn't like each other, but we both love each other. My oldest sister did a good job explaining what was going through my head, and my ocd and intrusive thoughts and stuff.

I was crying so much, and I explained that my mental illness ruined everything and there's something wrong with my brain, so i have these uncontrollable actions and thoughts sometimes, and it makes me sad.

I also thought that it was ironic that I was getting kicked out the house that night because earlier while in bed I was thankful to how accepting my family was to me, and I feared I was going to be kicked out after I revealed to my mother my secrets and my desire to be a woman, and stuff some years back.

My mom thought I wanted to leave, sure I would like to eventually leave, but not like this, i wanted to leave on good terms, and leaving something behind, better yet provide us all with a comfortable financial situation, so that way we could all live happily and comfortably. That's been my goal for over 10 years, yet I feel like a failure since non of my projects have been able to get us out of our current financial situation. My mom and siblings assured me that the money isn't my responsibility, yet I still feel determined to help out.

I was also sad that I've spent every dollar of the money I've ever worked for to help provide for my family, and now I'm the villain that hates them? H no! I love them!

My mom and siblings assured me that they were grateful for me, there's nothing wrong with me, and that they love me. I expressed that I love them as well.

We then start talking about the financial issues, and my trans issues, and depression.

The 3-4 hour ordeal was emotional, but I'm grateful we understood each other in the end, and still love each other.

Thanks for reading. Please contact 988 if you were affected by this. Thank you.

#mentalhealth #harmocd #emogirl #emo #transgirl #emotionalstory #sadnight #sadday #badday #goodday